Ignore, avoid, forgive: Children’s views on peer conflict, and growth and fixed mindsets in friendships

Abstract

It is known that supportive friendships have positive effects on children’s development, well-being, and happiness (Goswami, 2012; Raboteg-Saric & Sakic, 2014), but inevitably, children will at some point encounter obstacles in forming friendships and conflicts related to friendship. Examples include when friends disagree, betray each other’s trust, children are rejected by friends, or they are left out. Children generally avoid disagreements with friends but try, to the best of their ability and development, to resolve conflicts so that both parties are satisfied. Friendships rarely dissolve due to isolated disagreements (Hartup, 1992), but if the disagreement is repeated and persistent, it affects how children perceive the quality of the relationship. In order to support successful friendships and enhance children’s perspective-taking ability and conflict resolution, it is useful to examine how children navigate social situations and obstacles in social interactions. Responses to such circumstances depend on their experiences, environment, and mindset (Dweck, 2016), and attention here is directed towards the role of mindset in these situations. A growth mindset involves the belief that the brain is malleable and that new skills can be acquired through repeated practice (Dweck, 2016). A growth mindset can increase resilience, self-efficacy, and children’s ability to form friendships (Woods et al., 2020). A fixed mindset involves the belief that abilities are innate and immutable, and that mistakes are considered a condemnation. Individuals with a fixed mindset are therefore more likely to give up sooner and avoid trying again (Dweck, 2016). Research has shown that adolescents who view personal traits as malleable are more likely to demonstrate perseverance and socially-positive behaviour when faced with challenges in friendships (Yeager & Miu, 2011; Yeager et al., 2011). The aim of this study, which is a qualitative interview study based on focus group interviews, is to shed light on the experiences and mindsets of 10–12-year-old children regarding conflicts and disagreements in friendships. The focus is on how they understand, think about, and respond to conflicts and disagreements. The study asks how a growth or fixed mindset can create pathways to either confront obstacles and conflicts in a constructive manner or exacerbate further conflicts and obstacles. The study deployed a focus-group research design relying on purposeful sampling. We conducted nine focus group interviews with a total of 22 children, each group containing two or three children. Participants were selected with the aim of obtaining as diverse a group of children as possible, both in terms of friendships, status in peer groups, and background. The children in each focus group had existing friendships with each other. An interview guide was used, containing questions about friendship and conflict resolution, and ethical dilemmas about conflicts (dilemma vignettes) were used to initiate conversations. The interviews were thematically analysed, and three themes are discussed in the article. The first theme is about the benefits and challenges of friendship, the second theme is about responses to mistakes and conflicts, and the third is about support and advice from parents, siblings, friends, and professionals. The results showed that all the children viewed friendship as important for reducing loneliness and enjoying the support of friends, but they had all also had some experience with challenges and conflicts between friends. Ignoring or distancing oneself from situations was a common coping mechanism for conflicts between friends and when facing rejection from friends, which is normal at this age. Children avoid disagreements, seek distance from situations, and do not view occasional disagreements as a reason to end a friendship (Hartup, 1992). Revenge and punishment were particularly evident among children who reported frequent conflicts with peers. Their friendships were likely not as supportive and close as those of others, and research shows that the closer the friendship, the less likely friends are to show anger following conflicts (Murphy & Eisenberg, 2002). The majority of the children who participated seemed to have a dominant growth mindset toward friendships. Children who valued their friendship were more likely to demonstrate a growth mindset, as evidenced by their willingness to forgive mistakes and apologise after conflicts. Children exhibiting a fixed mindset tended to resort to revenge and punishment after conflicts, and were more likely to end friendships after repeated disagreement. Children who received support and constructive advice from their parents and discussed problems with them appeared to be more socially skilled, better at negotiation, and had a stronger growth mindset towards friendships than others. It can be inferred that children who discuss conflicts with parents who view mistakes as learning opportunities receive advice and opportunities to reconcile different perspectives and assistance in empathising with their friends. It is hoped that the results will increase understanding of the role of mindset in children’s friendships and social connections. Parents, and school and leisure professionals, can benefit from this understanding when they support young people in forming and maintaining friendship